With all that has been written about Ghostface Killah in the past month, namely in year-end retrospectives and More Fish (2006) reviews, I figured I should post this feature before the collective wave of “enough already” inevitably sweeps over Blogworld. As much as I enjoyed Fishscale (2006) this past year, it didn’t have quite the impact that The Pretty Tony Album (2004) made on me when it was released over two years ago. Truth be told, I had pretty much written off Tony Starks after the tepid Bulletproof Wallets (2001), regretfully concluding that he only had two solid LPs in him: debut Ironman (1996) and the near-classic Supreme Clientele (2000). Then Pretty Tony seemingly came out of nowhere in terms of its playability, refreshingly brief length (for hip hop, anyway), surprising lack of filler for the most part, and overall coherence as an album. Yet what struck me the most about the record was the abundance of unintended hilarity, a profusion of scattershot “what the fuck did he just say?” moments that have now become the backbone of the man’s whole steez. The following are ten of the most laughably bizarre moments on The Pretty Tony Album.

“Intro”
The requisite “Intro” to the album is basically an extended skit featuring our protagonist as the subject of a frenzy of reporters, pushing microphones at him and asking what he’s been up to over the past three years. One can just imagine Ghost stepping out of his brownstone on a cold winter’s day, flipping up the hood of his fur coat, and fielding questions from the media like it’s part of his morning routine, including the cool, dismissive handling of a crazed female claming he robbed her brother years ago. After answering a question about the verification of his “street” authenticity, Ghostface, apropos of nothing, delivers a lecture to the young reporter to “stay in school, man, straight up, get that education.” Where did that come from?

“Biscuits”
The beginning of this track is where one suspiciously begins to question Ghost’s mental stability as he throws a temper tantrum akin to that of a spoiled young actress upon receiving some “chocolate shit” instead of what he ordered, a – ahem – banana-flavored can of Nutrament. He yells to his weed carrier that he even “wrote it on the fuckin’ paper, man” before muttering to himself that no one ever listens to him anymore. Is it that difficult to ensure that Ghost receives his daily dietary supplement, which also happens to be a nutritious energy drink? He concludes his rant by accusing his crew of having learning disabilities, grumbling, “fuck that special ed shit, man.”

“Beat the Clock”
The concept behind “Beat the Clock” – take a deep breath – is this: Ghostface accepts a challenge from his alter-ego, appropriately named “Supreme,” to spit a verse in under a ridiculously arbitrary two minutes and thirty-seven seconds. Sounds completely absurd, right? Of course it is. Ghost then proceeds to sing, beatbox, and demonstrate the utmost verbal dexterity in an extraordinary three verses, all the while arguing with himself – in a manner not far from lunacy, mind you – about continuing on in between each one. It isn’t until the 2:37 mark that the listener realizes that they’ve been duped, as the “clock” has simply already been predetermined by the tempo and number of bars anyway.

“Beat the Clock” – Ghostface Killah 2:49 (The Pretty Tony Album, Def Jam 2004)

“Bathtub (Skit)”
Hilariously repulsive, this is one of those skits that you listen to once and vow to never hear again. I’m not sure if this was intended to show off Tony’s romantic side, but I’m having a difficult time thinking of something I’d rather not listen to than a minute-and-a-half of Ghostface instructing his woman on how to bathe him. The irony is that he’s playing The Moments‘ “Not on the Outside” on the stereo in the background, perfectly echoing the listener’s sentiment of voyeurism upon hearing a skit of Ghost and his woman in a tub as she begins “tickling his balls.” Gross!

“Keisha’s House (Skit)”
I will attempt to summarize the entirety of this track in the clearest way possible, but forgive me if I occasionally hint upon the inherent, unavoidable folly of it. The setting takes place on a stoop back in the mid-’80s, when Ghost was a teenager. The group is drinking beer and waiting for the Mike Tyson fight to begin, but Ghost is suffering from a ferocious bout of diarrhea, much to everyone’s (increasingly vocal) chagrin. Yet despite his own insistence on getting his “colon cleansed,” he continues to eat fried chicken and drink until he’s intoxicated – and horny. He begins to fantasize about a girl in the neighborhood with a “nice bubble,” and how he used to sleep with her despite the fact that she was pregnant with another man’s child; after converting to Islam, however, she stopped seeing him. Although he’s currently quarreling with his girlfriend, his hormonal urges get the best of him, and he insists that they temporarily forget about their fight so they can race upstairs and have sex. And all of this is delivered in less than a minute. When was the last time your favorite rapper unabashedly described a scene in such vivid detail without the slightest hint of shame or restraint?

“Last Night (Skit)” – Part 1
Ghostface plays the role of the jealous lover here, explicitly describing his affair with a woman as he leads up to the track’s penultimate line:

But anyway, yo I’mma call her again – do do do do do do do
If she diss me, I’mma fuck up her Benz

Two items of note here that speak for themselves: Ghost’s vocal imitation of himself dialing a number on a touch-tone phone, and his eventual resort to juvenile vandalism if she doesn’t return his call.

“Last Night (Skit)” – Part 2
As the track fades, the listener is transported to the interior of (presumably) Ghost’s vehicle, where he is driving drunk with a carful of crew members and attempting to inappropriately grope a female passenger. She urges him to keep his hands off her and his reply is a feeble “Come on, ma, I thought you had an ant on your leg.” When someone loudly suggests that his ride is infested with ants, the inebriated Ghost, unable to formulate a worthy comeback, blurts out, “Motherfucker, you – you got ants in your mouth, bitch!” The scene becomes somewhat chaotic as Ghost begins swerving across the road, demanding more vodka and inexplicably calling one of his passengers a “bowling ball head.” The DJ on the radio (who has been curiously silent up until now) then announces the next track, “Holla,” which is followed by an uproarious response from the passengers; however, the cheers are awkwardly delayed by a few seconds, further adding to the confusion of the scene. What the hell is happening here?

“Last Night (Skit)” – Ghostface Killah 2:31 (The Pretty Tony Album, Def Jam 2004)

“Holla”
There are almost too many hilarious non sequiturs during the course of this track to mention, but here are a few: Ghost getting “burped” by other drunks at the bar, proudly claiming financial legitimacy (“I.R.S. can suck my books”), giving a shout to his insurance company, and somehow providing kids with work opportunities (“Speak to the seeds, give ‘em lead on jobs”), the means of which are unclear.

“The Letter (Skit)”
This skit shows Ghost in a rare moment of contemplation as he sits quietly on the couch at a friend’s crib, watching television, when his homie hands him some sort of letter. Ghost begins reading it silently to himself, and what follows is a long, agonizing minute as the questions begin bouncing around the listener’s head: what does the letter say? What are Ghost’s thoughts as he is reading the letter? Why did he just mumble, “Hmm”? Why is there a Sylvia Robinson song playing in the background? At the end, all we get is the sound of Ghost crumpling up the letter and saying to himself, “I’m sorry father, I can’t take her back.”

“Tooken Back (featuring Jackie-O)”
Ghostface’s first verse here is rife with quotables, beginning with his obvious annoyance that his girl brought him on the Jerry Springer Show to win him over. He portrays her as a psychotic creature devoid of an ounce of couth or respect, delivering the following line peppered with his trademark slang:

Shrimps [sic] every night, ordering steaks – them jumbo joints
Them shits cost a buck-fifty for eight

Finally, Ghost cries out in uproarious frustration at the final straw:

And when you told me your Merlot needed more grapes,
I said, “Honey, you never had wine before,
And if you did, that’s not how you act at all!”